The Story So Far !

Hi there and welcome to my blog.

What do I say about lil old me? Well I was born when I was young and grew for around 20 years before nature decided to halt proceedings.
I did the usual stuff, leave school and college and getting a job. Well, I got loads of jobs actually. Spray painting for Vauxhall, the army (briefly till they found out I had arthritis in my knees and unceremoniously hoofed me out) and talking about briefly, working for Sadie the Bra lady ( i know, it was hard work but someone had to do it) working in Car parts shops, building enormous bouncy castles, then doing what Norman Tebbitt the conservative MP said and I 'got on my bike' and moved to London cleaning aeroplanes, helping to run an employment agency (with a few others I hasten  to add) and eventually driving double decker buses amongst other things.  I was very unsettled as a young lad and only really settled down when I met this amazing young girl in Newcastle that I used to drive to work each day on my bus. I settled down that much I married her and have been married for over 20 years now going on to have 3 fantastic, gorgeous Sons. This is quite an astonishing accomplishment when you here my story from the last 20 years.

I damaged my spine ! I mean REALLY damaged it. . permanently!!! I crushed the bottom of my spine and this has lead to major surgery and a lifetime of pain and disability. I lost my job, my homes ( I had 2) all of the luxury items I had but most of all, my pride and dignity and plummeted my wife and first son into a spiral of dispair that was to remain with us. I now suffer not only physical disability but also deteriorating mental health problems, predominantly Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, caused mostly by the never ending pain and uncertainty of what the future holds, but in no small way by the embarrassment, sadness and dispair caused by what fate has dealt me. I have gone on to have many procedures and several operations (with more in the pipeline) due to the degenerative nature of my disability. In essance, the guy I was died and I have spent the last 20 years mourning his loss. I haven't got over it !!

BUT I do have the best Wife, boys, family and close friends that you could ever wish to dream for. They have, in reality saved my life (and sometimes quite literally).

Sadly, society has decided that disabled people are sub citizens, not fit for purpose and a drain on resources. They have decided to collectively judge every disabled person as a sponger and a fraud. For me, a guy who has already lost his pride and dignity, this is overwhelming. Really. Deeply!!
They say "he/she can work" "everybody can do SOMETHING". Well, I suppose you are technically right, as most people can talk so hey, get a job in a call centre right??? WRONG ! Try spending YOUR day in extreme pain, with the inability to think of ANYTHING ELSE. Try not being able to sleep soundly for the last 20 years and the effects that has on your mental state. Try to do something that you KNOW is firstly going to hurt like HELL afterwards and secondly is going to permenantly make your condition worse.  Would YOU be able to go to work and concentrate on your job? Would you go out and deliberately DAMAGE your body more than it already is?? I dont think no. We are designed by nature to protect ourselves from harm (thats why we have pain sensors to stop us before we do damage). So it goes against the grain to go beyond what your body is saying STOP to. In this current climate, it appears and feels like society expects me and others like me to just die, it would be CONVENIENT for them. We live in abject pain while we ARE here (and believe me most of the time I don't want to be, not because I'm selfish but because pain can overwhelm you like that)???  I tell you this much. As I explained earlier, I used to work for an employment agency  and I know how bosses think. They would much rather NOT have to put up with the 'odd one out, the disabled person, the mental health guy who cries for no known reason or gets angry at nothing in particular'.  They would rather NOT have to have a Part, Part Timer. Someone who can work one day then is off for 2 weeks recovering from the physical pain and then distress caused by being the odd one out, the mental guy etc.  For me, with MY problems, I wouldn't be able to hold down a job. I spend my ENTIRE LIFE in fight or flight mode. Try to imagine that!! You are scared that something is going to happen constantly. ALWAYS on guard, never being able to relax and take a break. I fight my demons all of the time, with no let up. That makes me 'twitchy' and not a nice guy to be around. I can be downright offensive and aggressive although I don't mean to be...it's my demons. Do YOU wanna work next to ME ??????? Not A Chance !!!!!

So, life is going on. I AM still here. I was brave enough to give another day a chance, in hope partly that things MIGHT JUST improve. My solace while I am waiting, has been Photography. It gives me the chance to CLEAR MY MIND if only for a small while. It hurts, EVERYTHING hurts, but I get the chance to see nature for the true wonder that it is and I can find a quiet space for my thoughts and allow me to wrestle with my demons.

So Please , after reading all of this, DON'T make your mind up that I'm a wacko because I'm not. I am a guy whose dreams were smashed, whose freedom to have a healthy active life was taken away from me. A guy who is trying desperately to come to terms with the fact that Ade, the fit, active, sporty,  hard working guy died a long time ago. I am getting to learn about the new Ade, slowly. I still can't accept that I'm like this, but by being surrounded by the love of family and good friends, maybe, JUST MAYBE I can grow to live with it. . . In the meantime, I'll just keep shooting photos :)